It's over:(

So Christmas has come and gone and the relief I feel is a nice bonus to the season. I love Christmas, but with three young boys, their only thought is on the gifts they get. We continually remind them of the reason for the season, and they will repeat it to you if you ask, but that doesn't change the number one thought in their heads. With that in mind, Marcy and I had promised ourselves that we would trim the amount of money spent, which we did. Now the trick is getting the boys to be ok with it. I really didn't want to have an argument with them Christmas morning that what they just unwrapped was it. It wasn't like they weren't getting much, but just not what we had done in the past. They have so much crap, I just didn't see the purpose of adding more crap to the pile. The good news is, they didn't mention anything about the scaled back gift pile or seem to be very upset that mom and dad didn't get anything. We decided that our trip to CA, that we leave on Saturday for, was our gift to each other. We drove to Mt. Pleasant, Iowa, on Friday for a visit to grandma and grandpa's house and they got a bunch more stuff, but most of it was craft or science type stuff, which the boys love and is better than a big pile of crap. Did I mention that we have thousands of McDonalds happy meal toys? If you have 3 boys and get them a happy meal, you get three crappy toys, all of them the same. If you go to McDonalds just twice a month, that's 6 crappy toys. Multiply that by 12 months and you get 72 crappy toys. Most months, we don't average twice a month, but during busy times, the number increases to make that average more realistic. I tell you this so you know just how much crap is in my house. I throw away toys at every turn, still can't move in half my rooms due to the lack of visible floor in which to put your foot.
The drive home on Friday was especially scary, since the temperature had a range of about 40 degrees, the fog rolled in and we couldn't see squat. We made it home around 9:30pm and it was still 58 degrees, which is far better than the single digits we had just a few days earlier. I was unloading the car and getting some non-kid time, when a thought hit me. ITS 58 DEGREES, IN IOWA, IN DECEMBER! I decided I was taking the Christmas lights down right then and there. You see, last year, I took the lights down in 10 degree weather and half of them were frozen to the bushes and to the house, so it wasn't a pleasurable experience. It only took about 20 minutes to get the lights down and into the garage, drag the inflatables inside and roll up the extension cords. I woke up Saturday morning to 20 degree weather and freezing rain, Mark 1, Weather 0. Now as I looked out my window, a bit smug since I had beaten mother nature, I soon realized that now my driveway, which doesn't get much sunlight, is now covered in a layer of ice that will not melt until June. Mark 1, Weather 1. The boys loved skating on the driveway and I didn't fall as I tried to retrieve the mail. I even taught the kids how to run down the yard and launch yourself onto the sled and use the sidewalk as your own luge track. Sometimes, it's fun to live in Iowa, even in the winter. Sunday was spent trying to chip some of the ice off the driveway. Since the temperature had gotten up into the upper 30's I was able to make a little progress, but 1/2 is still covered. Today is supposed to be in the 40's, so lets hope I can beat that June prediction.
I forgot to mention in my first paragraph that I did get one thing for Christmas. Marcy was at a party that had one of those white elephant gift exchanges, where you can either pick from the pile or steal what someone all ready has. Well someone was sitting with a Coca-Cola mirrored clock that most people would find unnecessary, but Marcy knew that I might be interested, not sure why she thought that, I mean Coke, yuck:) I had this precious piece of art sitting in the kitchen, where the boys aren't allowed, waiting for a trip to the basement where it would be hung in a spot of honor. I made a trip to Lowes and when I got back, learned that Max had practiced his soccer kick on my gift, shattering it and thus breaking my heart. He "says" it was an accident, but he might actually just be a Pepsi fan, not sure since he hasn't drank either. I will remember this and if I catch him with a Pepsi in a few years, I can guarantee you that I will smash his favorite toy that next Christmas, no matter what it cost. You can't put a price on a broken heart.

Winter is here.

As I write this, we here in Iowa are awaiting an ice storm, predicted to hit us sometime today. We can hope that our weather forecasters are wrong, which they often are, but I'm guessing we will get this one. I really don't mind when we get snow, the roads are cleared pretty fast and it looks so nice when all of the trees and bushes are covered in white. Ice, on the other hand, I could do without. I mentioned last winter that right outside my office window is a four way stop. When the roads get slick, the number of people who slide through this four way goes through the roof. Last year, we watched as two people blew the sign at the same time and missed each other by inches, causing one guy to get out of his car, fall and get back up several times, only to give the finger to the other diver who was long gone. I nearly pissed myself laughing so hard. Now, we waited in anticipation earlier this week for this guy, or his more angry brother, to show up. I'm so dedicated to the window watching activity that I ate my lunch standing up so I could watch the danger zone while I ate. I watched as car after car drove up to the sign way to fast, tried to stop on a dime, only to realize that 4 wheel drive doesn't mean 4 wheel stop. My lunch time was a bust, a bunch of near collisions, but no contact. Seeing as how I still needed to work, I could only look out the window when I got up from my desk or returned. On one occasion, I watched a stopped semi get rear ended by a Jeep, but little damage to the vehicles. I guess I should say that I'm not looking for anyone to get hurt, I just want to watch what I know is going to happen, and it finally did. I was walking back into my cube when I looked out my window to see a 4 wheel drive truck approaching the four way stop at a pretty good clip, a clip I knew wasn't going to allow him to stop at the stop sign. I had to walk forward a bit to see the actual intersection, so I did and saw 2 cars in said intersection. At this time, I made sounds that clued in my co-workers that show time was quickly approaching, and BAM! Dude in non-4-wheel stop, blows the sign and drills a car in the rear drivers side door, bounces off and hits another guy coming the other direction. First dudes car blew up like a piñata, but the preferable candy inside was replace with plastic car parts and assorted lens covers and trim. I felt sorry for the two unsuspecting bumper car participants, but no sympathy for mister four wheeler. Little tip for those of you who don't normally drive on ice, slow down. It's that simple. This ain't Indy and you aren't Mario Andretti (or Danica Patrick, if sex is important to your reference). I might suggest that you also concentrate on the task at hand and tell Betty Lou you'll call her when you get home. That way, both hands and your brain are involved in the task at hand. Just a thought.

I should be head of security

Tell me how this works. This photo was online and it shows pirate boats that, according to the caption that was with the photo, are hijacking the ship on the left. How do you hijack a ship when your boat is 30 feet, or more, lower than the ship you are hijacking? How do you get up there? Is the hijacked boat dropping a rope ladder? I think we can solve this whole problem by sending an email to all ships entering the area and tell them, if a small boat pulls up beside your much larger boat and knocks on the side, don't let the words "candy-gram" fool you, it's not candy, it's pirates. Keep your rope ladder up and continue on your way. (I hope you got the candy-gram reference, if not, watch a really old Saturday Night Live)

12 days of Christmas

It's that time of year again, yes, it's time to figure out what the 12 days of Christmas actually cost. I hear this every year on the radio or read it on the net and I must say, I don't give a crap. I'm not sure why we have the fascination and I can't figure out where you would even go to get most of these. Does Wal-Mart have a section I haven't seen yet? If you were thinking about getting me or the fam the entire list, let me save you the trouble and tell you what I think of this particular list.

1. A partridge in a pear tree. Are you going to eat a pear from this tree? That partridge has shat all over it, because I've seen what birds that stay indoors do. If you leave the tree outside, that bird ain't sticking around, so you get jipped out of the bird half of that gift. This isn't feasible.

2. Two turtle doves. More birds. Who needs all these damn birds? What good are two turtle doves? What can you do with them? Eat them, that's about it and I don't think there is much meat on those, so I don't want them.

3. Three French hens. More fricking birds. At least this seems to be a practical gift in these economic times. I would ask that they be packaged by the Purdue company, if at all possible. I think if the boys see me slaughter their Christmas present, therapy can't be far behind.

4. Four Calling birds. First thing, more damn birds. Second, I have three boys that can't be quiet, your going to give me 4 birds that there is no chance in hell I can get to be quiet? Keep the damn birds and send me 4 calling girls. Just kidding honey, it was the only thing I could think of with calling in it. Oh wait, calling cards.

5. Five gold rings. Go ahead and send this one.

6. Six geese a laying. I think we found the occupation of the writer of this song, bird distributor. I've never eaten a goose egg, but I think I'll pass.

7. Seven swans a swimming. I don't have anything for seven swans to swim in. They might be pretty birds, but I was attacked by one when I was a kid and kind of have a phobia about them. If you want to scare the crap out of me, send the swans.

8. Eight maids a milking. Not sure what the West Des Moines code is, whether they allow cattle within the city limits, so you might want to check with the city before you send them. I'm pretty sure Marcy would veto the maids part, unless they were cleaning the house.

9. Nine ladies dancing. I'm not sure what kind of "dancing" these ladies are doing, but if it involves a pole, it ain't happening in my house. I think this list is all ready getting me in trouble with the maids and calling girls, so lets just say no thank you.

10. Ten lords a leaping. Just don't do it.

11. Eleven pipers piping. Let me think about this, do I want eleven guys playing the flute in my house? I'm going to go with a no. Do I have to feed these guys? I hardly think the cost of food is worth the enjoyment I'd get from the piping. I'm guessing one of those pipers would end up with his pipe in an uncomfortable spot after he began his work a little too early in the morning.

12. Twelve drummers drumming. I've mentioned on this blog before that I love the Isserettes, a drum and dance corp. here in DSM, so I like drums. That being said, 12 drums in my house might be a tad overkill. Of all of the gifts, except for the 5 golden rings, this would be the only other one that I'd consider. Most of the others would just crap on the carpet.

A couple of things I noticed on this list. The birds are obvious, but seriously, what the hell. The other thing is, there is only one practical gift on the whole list, what's up with that? I'm going to give you my list, although I'm not sure I could get it into the song.

1. One Big screen TV

2. Two leather recliners

3. Three thousand dollars, to finish off my South Africa mission fund raising

4. Four pounds of Alaskan snow crab legs (went to Red Lobster for lunch, so my mind focuses on one thing at a time)(No I didn't eat 4 pounds, I just wanted to)

5. Five gold rings (It's still a good investment)

6. Six bottles of Fat Tire Ale (good beer from Colorado)

7. Seven full days of vacation, in a warm place, with my wife

8. Eight crazy nights of vacation, in a warm place, with my wife

9. Nine dollars to fill my whole gas tank (that means the price needs to get down to $.81 a gallon, we are almost there, it's $1.39 here now)

10. Ten bags of ice melt so I can make it through the winter

11. Eleven minutes of quiet in my house (I'm a dreamer, it will never happen)

12. Twelve months of above freezing temperatures

This is what I came up with on short notice, but if you have the means, send it my way:)