12 days of Christmas

It's that time of year again, yes, it's time to figure out what the 12 days of Christmas actually cost. I hear this every year on the radio or read it on the net and I must say, I don't give a crap. I'm not sure why we have the fascination and I can't figure out where you would even go to get most of these. Does Wal-Mart have a section I haven't seen yet? If you were thinking about getting me or the fam the entire list, let me save you the trouble and tell you what I think of this particular list.

1. A partridge in a pear tree. Are you going to eat a pear from this tree? That partridge has shat all over it, because I've seen what birds that stay indoors do. If you leave the tree outside, that bird ain't sticking around, so you get jipped out of the bird half of that gift. This isn't feasible.

2. Two turtle doves. More birds. Who needs all these damn birds? What good are two turtle doves? What can you do with them? Eat them, that's about it and I don't think there is much meat on those, so I don't want them.

3. Three French hens. More fricking birds. At least this seems to be a practical gift in these economic times. I would ask that they be packaged by the Purdue company, if at all possible. I think if the boys see me slaughter their Christmas present, therapy can't be far behind.

4. Four Calling birds. First thing, more damn birds. Second, I have three boys that can't be quiet, your going to give me 4 birds that there is no chance in hell I can get to be quiet? Keep the damn birds and send me 4 calling girls. Just kidding honey, it was the only thing I could think of with calling in it. Oh wait, calling cards.

5. Five gold rings. Go ahead and send this one.

6. Six geese a laying. I think we found the occupation of the writer of this song, bird distributor. I've never eaten a goose egg, but I think I'll pass.

7. Seven swans a swimming. I don't have anything for seven swans to swim in. They might be pretty birds, but I was attacked by one when I was a kid and kind of have a phobia about them. If you want to scare the crap out of me, send the swans.

8. Eight maids a milking. Not sure what the West Des Moines code is, whether they allow cattle within the city limits, so you might want to check with the city before you send them. I'm pretty sure Marcy would veto the maids part, unless they were cleaning the house.

9. Nine ladies dancing. I'm not sure what kind of "dancing" these ladies are doing, but if it involves a pole, it ain't happening in my house. I think this list is all ready getting me in trouble with the maids and calling girls, so lets just say no thank you.

10. Ten lords a leaping. Just don't do it.

11. Eleven pipers piping. Let me think about this, do I want eleven guys playing the flute in my house? I'm going to go with a no. Do I have to feed these guys? I hardly think the cost of food is worth the enjoyment I'd get from the piping. I'm guessing one of those pipers would end up with his pipe in an uncomfortable spot after he began his work a little too early in the morning.

12. Twelve drummers drumming. I've mentioned on this blog before that I love the Isserettes, a drum and dance corp. here in DSM, so I like drums. That being said, 12 drums in my house might be a tad overkill. Of all of the gifts, except for the 5 golden rings, this would be the only other one that I'd consider. Most of the others would just crap on the carpet.

A couple of things I noticed on this list. The birds are obvious, but seriously, what the hell. The other thing is, there is only one practical gift on the whole list, what's up with that? I'm going to give you my list, although I'm not sure I could get it into the song.

1. One Big screen TV

2. Two leather recliners

3. Three thousand dollars, to finish off my South Africa mission fund raising

4. Four pounds of Alaskan snow crab legs (went to Red Lobster for lunch, so my mind focuses on one thing at a time)(No I didn't eat 4 pounds, I just wanted to)

5. Five gold rings (It's still a good investment)

6. Six bottles of Fat Tire Ale (good beer from Colorado)

7. Seven full days of vacation, in a warm place, with my wife

8. Eight crazy nights of vacation, in a warm place, with my wife

9. Nine dollars to fill my whole gas tank (that means the price needs to get down to $.81 a gallon, we are almost there, it's $1.39 here now)

10. Ten bags of ice melt so I can make it through the winter

11. Eleven minutes of quiet in my house (I'm a dreamer, it will never happen)

12. Twelve months of above freezing temperatures

This is what I came up with on short notice, but if you have the means, send it my way:)