Oooops!

In this blog, I've made fun of people for a lot of things, bad driving, bad customer service and a lot of dumb things people have said or done. I've made fun of myself alot, which is only fair if you are going to make fun of someone else. I have to be able to take it if I can dish it out. That being said, I need to confess what is probably the stupidest thing I have ever done. Marcy and I had the great pleasure of a date night last night, thanks to Michelle for watching the boys for us to make that happen. We decided to see a movie, which we hadn't done in over a year. We saw Blindside, which was excellent. I thought I was going to have a severe allergy attack throughout the movie, but luckily, there was only one. Seeing as how this movie is based on a true story, I was a bit more interested than if it had been a chick flick. I must say, for the two of us to see the movie, have a popcorn and each a drink, we paid over $30, seems a bit outrageous. At least we didn't have a babysitter to pay, so it was worth it. After the movie, in which I had consumed a very large drink, I needed to pee. Seeing as how my assumption was that we were heading home, I figured I'd wait until we got there to go. On our way out to the car, Marcy asked if I wanted to head to Kohl's to get me a pair of snow boots. Winter in Iowa is upon us and snow if predicted for tonight. My boots pulled apart years ago and I have been getting by because we never seem to have money to purchase me a new pair of boots due to the fact that we are constantly buying new boots/shoes/pants/socks/underwear/food for the boys. That's what a dad and mom do right, sacrifice for their kids. The thought of me getting a new pair of boots, just before the first shovelable snow of the winter, had me excited, still had to pee. We get to Kohl's and I ask Marcy where the bathrooms are so I can relieve the pressure and shop a bit more relaxed. This is a new Kohl's, so I don't know my way around. I was pointed in the right direction, by the customer service counter, and I'm off. I find the area, see the men's room and head on in. As I enter, I noticed a few things about this new bathroom. One, very clean, in fact, maybe too clean. Second, no smell. I'm guessing because it is so new, but maybe because they have a good cleaning crew. I head down the row of stalls, when something else strikes me as odd, no urinals. I don't think I have ever been in a men's room without urinals, unless it's a one seater. I choose my stall from one that is still open and begin to do my business. Then, a thought occurred to me, am I in the women's room? No, I read the name on the door, it said men's room, but things were starting to make sense. Why was this bathroom so clean? Why didn't it smell like hundreds of men had pissed all over the floor? Why were there no urinals? Panic set in, there are occupied stalls that I passed and I'm standing, pissing into the toilet and it sounds like a race horse pissing, not some woman. I passed the customer service desk with a guy working, to get in here. Was security on its way? Maybe I'm OK, maybe this is all a coincidence. I decided to start peeing on the toilet bowl, not the water, to silence the waterfall, because stopping isn't an option. I finish and I feel my face and head flush red as I unlock the stall door. I peek out and I don't see anyone by the sinks, so I make a run for it. There are probably 10 stalls and 3 are occupied. I bypass the hand washing and bolt for the door, which happens to be frosted glass. What do I see, painted in reverse on the frosted glass, Women's. Shit, now what. I can make it out of the restroom without being seen, but I'm getting ready to open the door into the customer service area, where surely I would be spotted, cuffed and hauled to the station for being a pervert. I opened the door, and there was a guy standing at the CS desk, but looking down. I walked as fast and as innocently as I could and as I rounded the corner, a woman was coming at me, but I was far enough away from the door that it looked like I could have come out of the actual men's room. I walked to find Marcy, still expecting security to find me for a few questions, seeing as how there are security cameras all over the place. They never came. I decided not to tell Marcy about the whole incident until we got out of the store, so if security was watching me, and I'm guessing laughing their asses off, it would appear I was totally oblivious to what I had done and I could play dumb when questioned. Never had to act that out, security never bothered to show. I'm not sure that is a good thing, in general, when a man can walk into the ladies room, whether he is a pervert or just a dumbass, and then walk out unnoticed. A few things that may have helped me on this. One, it was after 10pm, so there weren't a lot of people in the store. This helped me the most, I'm guessing, because there weren't any women coming out of the stalls to see me, or any at the door as I was coming out. Two, due to the legalization of gay marriage in Iowa, there are a few more lesbians here than there were, say 3 years ago. This is a guess, but with my hat on, long coat and confident demeanor (I walked in like it said Men's, and only Men's, on the door), that maybe security thought I was a very tall lesbian. I'm not sure why I was so lucky, that I wasn't spotted, slapped or maced, but the only injury I sustained was the shot to the pride, which I could have avoided by not speaking a word of it to anyone. But doing that would deprive all three of my readers of a laugh and confirmation of just how stupid I can be. Marcy thought it was hilarious, though I'm not sure she will be sharing the story with the girls at church. Next time I go to Kohl's, I will check to see if a "Wanted" poster is up with a sketch of a very tall, ugly, lesbian.