Shocking news

In the winter in Iowa, it gets cold, not news to those of you who live here, have lived here, or anyone who watches the Today show. It isn't a secret, and we don't want it to be. This is how we keep the thin blooded trouble makers out of our state. There is a reason our crime rate is lower than all those warm states, the criminals don't have the cojones to stick out an entire winter where it is common for the snot in your nose to freeze your nostrils shut. For days. I bring this up because, the consequences of the cold is, you have to run your furnace quite a bit so your ass doesn't freeze to the toilet seat when you try to relieve some of the hot coffee or hot chocolate that you have been consuming to keep your organs from seizing up. The byproduct of the constant furnace running, is the air in the house is now dry, which in turn electrifies all fabrics and hair in the house. Taking off a hat or moving fleece pants will cause any nearby hair to stand at attention. I wear fleece pants and my leg hair tries to escape from my leg, or at least that is what it feels like. To combat that, I run humidifiers in the basement and one upstairs by the bedrooms. It helps, but doesn't eliminate all of the electricity. I was changing the tank on one of these one day, when I noticed something floating in the base unit. I stuck my finger in the water to touch it, and got one hell of a shock through the water in the tank. It may have been the total surprise of it that made it appear worse than it actually was, not sure. This thing is plugged into the wall, so that carpet static shock was a bit unsettling. Today, I was again working to get the humidifier working and went into the bathroom to fill the tank. I knew the static buildup was high, so I didn't want to touch the light switch, get shocked and piss my pants, so as I usually do, I figured I would use something in my hand to actually turn on the light. Today's choice, a half full can of Coke. To my surprise, the current from me walking into the bathroom had built up enough that the spark traveled through the can, shocked me and I wasted part of my can of Coke, which you know, is a sin. It is like the 5th Beatle, that is the 11th Commandment, you don't always see it, but you know it's true. Now I'm afraid to touch anything for fear that either it, or I, will burst into flames. If there were hidden cameras in my house, pointed at the light switches, you would be very entertained to see the lengths I will go to so that I don't get shocked. Don't think that these are little shocks, these are visible electric current, arching out of my light switch and into my body. That can't be good.