Before I start, I'll apologize for the news anchor person switch from bad news to "funny." I started writing this before I learned of Frankie's death, but life goes on, right? I mean, I wasn't even close to Frankie, not sure I could call him a friend, I'm sure he didn't know my name. I, after all, spent one week a year for four years there, but he saw hundreds of people come and go and I didn't do anything to make myself memorable, like letting his mule out. (Chad will get a good memory out of that one) This was a man that made a huge impression on me. He taught me what sacrifice is, even though he didn't feel like he sacrificed anything. Maybe someday I will follow in his footsteps, in a different way. Now, on with the nonsense.
Iowans are a strange bunch. Not in a Charlie Sheen/Gary Busey kind of way, although we have those kind of people as well, but more of a "what the hell?" kind of way. Come to think of it, that is what I say every time I hear one of the above mentioned guys speak, but at least they have an excuse, head trauma and drug use, probably both for both of them. The things that I see that jump out to me are usually weather related. I'm not suggesting that some of the things I attribute to Iowans, aren't found in other areas of the the country, or world, but if you see any of these, ask the people where the come from originally. I bet they say Iowa.
First up, jogging. People jog every where at all times. The issue with Iowa, which I have mentioned before, is it gets fricking cold in Iowa. Not just cold, I understate the oppressive nature of that word. When I say cold, I mean that if you aren't careful, you can loose a limb on the way to get the mail at the end of the drive. And that's with your Carhardtt jacket, Under Armour hood and Sorel boots. That being said, there is nary a day that I don't see some crazy person jogging in January (Is nary an actual word? I mean very rarely, but nary seemed smarter, until I mentioned that I don't know if it's an actual word. Kind of kills the "smart" part, forget I questioned it.) I guess my theory is, running is something you do when someone is chasing you with ill intentions or if there is food at the end of the sprint. And in my case, it better be a person with a knife or a truck with some sort of sugar treat. I would have said gun, but lets get real, if they have a gun, is my fat ass going to be able to get away with my pathetic 10 yard sprint before I fall to the ground, begging them to put me out of my oxygen deprived life? But the people I see running seem to have neither of these motivations. I mean, I don't see anyone chasing them, but perhaps they are so fast, they have blown away the would be attacker and now are just showing off. I say, stop right there and break out a Hostess pie. I bought a few of these recently, and by a few I mean 10, and was shocked when Marcy read me the fat content. I'm not a calorie counter, but wholly crap, according to Marcy, when I finish my 10th pie, I should be ready to contact the Biggest Loser people and get signed up. Without that bit of info, my guess is they would have been gone in 6 or 7 days. With that info, I still have 3 left and it has been 3 weeks. I'm still going to eat them, but I'll ration them so I don't explode. Frigging Marcy ruins everything. Next thing she will tell me is that my Coca-Cola habit isn't healthy. Please, that will never happen. Notice I said Coca-Cola instead of Coke. That could be taken as the wrong Coke and I get Googled right into jail. What the hell was I talking about? Oh yeah, joggers. So when the temperature heats up, to say 5 degrees, Iowans hit the trails and you see them running everywhere. You can see their breath as you pass by in your warm car, or as warm as it can be with the windchill at -25 degrees, and it appears to be turning to ice as it leaves their mouth and drops to the ground. Haven't these people heard of a treadmill? Or perhaps a life. Just saying.
Another thing Iowans do that you might not see in your area, is when we see the slightest glimpse of "warm" weather, the shorts go on, the jacket gets left at home and car windows are rolled down. Sounds like the thing to do, but it will only be 38 to 42 degrees. For us, that is usually a heat wave in winter and we take full advantage. There is usually a run on hamburger and steak, since that means grilling dinner. I'm guilty of this. As soon as I can dig my grill out of the snow, that sucker is going on and we are living the life. This years winter has actually been mild, so I have grilled out quite a bit and as the days creep further into March, I see my outdoor life coming back quickly.
When you have a lot of snow, that means you have a lot of salt and sand on the road. That means, your car, regardless of the color you purchased, is now brown. When the temps get anywhere near the freezing mark, the line at the car wash is 10 deep. We have a car wash right by our house with 6 bays, and on a warm day, you better pack a lunch if you are going to wait in line. I go either really early, like on my way to work, or really late, like when I'm coming home from clubbing. There is a weired thing that happens when you wash your car in the winter in Iowa. Your vehicle gets an inch thinner. If we could figure out a way to capture that dirt, perhaps we could sell it back to the city and they could then re-apply it to the streets. Circle of life.
One thing that Iowa is famous for, is potatoes. Crap wait, that's Idaho, we are famous for meth labs. Wait, that isn't what you want on your tourist brochure, lets go with corn. I know what you are thinking, "Corn? Who gives a flip about corn, my state of (input state that doesn't know crap about corn here) has corn." Yeah, if you like ass corn. I've been fortunate to travel this great country of ours, and a few others, and the one thing I can say is, Iowans do something to their corn that makes it better than any other corn on the planet. If you say different, I will sock you in the nose and jam a Iowa corn cob down your throat, then you will see. Wow, sorry about that venom, not sure what happened there, but it's good corn. I've made the mistake of buying corn in other parts of the country, with the anticipation of having a great experience, but sadly, there is a huge difference. I still remember my first trip to Iowa. As we drove along Interstate 80 which splits this state in half, I looked out the window and asked, "What the hell is wrong with their dirt?" Kids, such quizzical minds. My parents told me it wasn't dirt, it's what you call soil. Never heard of it. We were moving to Iowa from the great state of Virginia, where we had brown dirt. This stuff out my window looked like they were growing corn in coffee grounds, black as night. If you've never seen actual soil, go to your local Home Depot, unless you have been previously banned, and break open a bag of potting soil. That my friends, is what we grow our Iowa Sweet Corn in. Yeah, I capitalized it, what about it. You have never put a sweeter thing in your pie hole, unless you were eating a Hostess pie. (I think I need a snack, second reference to the pies) If you think I'm exaggerating, come visit during the Adel Cornfest (you heard me, a festival of corn) and you can pay your $5, or whatever they charge, and then you eat corn until you spew corn out your nose. It's like a beerfest, only chunkier. They give you corn, you get it dunked in a coffee can of butter, or whatever they choose to melt the truckload of butter into, and then slip into a world of cornadise. Yup, that's paradise with corn, look it up, its a real word. Comes after nary in the dictionary. Just writing this has me jonesing for some ISC (Iowa Sweet Corn), I can't wait for summer. This is the one food that if we don't watch Makiah, he will eat all 2 dozen we just bought. Smart kid, he is a true Iowan.
The best thing about Iowans, is their hearts. There are great people all over this country, but I'd put us up, percentage wise, against all other states. The willingness to help your neighbor is amazing. They are always willing to help, whether it be as simple as making you a dinner when you can't make it on your own, to shoveling your driveway when you can't. I do my darndest to live up to the name Iowan, which I claim to be, but I'm just an east coast transplant, so sometimes, I revert to my east coast ways. Please don't write me and tell me you are from NY and you are very nice, including only flipping off middle aged people and not teens and the elderly. You got me Gandhi, your the best, I'm just saying that in MY experience, I have found a much higher percentage of "nice" people here, than I have anywhere else. Now, the level of crazy is a lot less here, which takes away from the daily entertainment factor, if your scoring at home, so you pay for all the normal niceness. I remember once when I was in downtown Washington, DC, I watched a man argue with a squirrel, and it appeared the man was loosing the argument. I can't say for sure, since I don't speak squirrel, but the tone the man had, seemed to indicate a loss was on his horizon, if you don't include the argument itself, which to me reeked of loss. I also watched a guy pull up to a stop light and 4 guys ran up to his car and popped all four hubcaps and took off, in 4 different directions. I can't say for sure, but this seemed to be a planned out maneuver. The man jumped out and yelled, but quickly realize he could only run one direction and IF he was to catch the guy, would now have one hubcap of a 4 cap set. That is IF his car was still there when he got back. Instead, he put his tail between his legs and got back into his car, and ran the red light. Now, that was not nice. At the time, I didn't see the brilliance of it, but lets call it what it was, genius on the robbers part. Same city, different year, I was eating at a Roy Rogers Chicken and Roast Beef Restaurant, when I noticed several people removing their car top carrier just outside the window. It wasn't until I heard some dude just coming out of the food line yell, "HEY, THEY'RE STEALING IT!" did I realize, not their car top carrier to be removing. The guy dropped his tray and ran outside, just in time to watch his carrier go down the street and around the corner. That was not nice at all and makes for a horrible tourist testimonial, but not something I will forget about my life on the east coast. I got to watch it, through the glass window, like I was watching it on TV. Do these few instances make the entire east coast, less friendly? Yes, case closed.
Obviously, this isn't the whole list, I'll have more someday, but that ought to hold you. Like you were asking yourself, "I wonder what Iowans are all about?" We're all crazy.
No comments:
Post a Comment