I had the pleasure to attend a local MMA event here in Des Moines the other night. I've mentioned before at how I love MMA. I was a huge boxing fan, but grew weary of paying $50 to watch a fight, that regardless of what happened in the ring, the winner would be whoever Don King thought it should be. That was years ago, so I can't say what it is like now. I'm the kind of fan that wants to see the competition settled on the field, in the ring, or in MMA's case, in the octagon. I don't want to hear about groups of millionaires, or billionaires, fight over the scraps of money, that is more than I will make in a lifetime. I can't tell you how pissed I will be if the NFL season doesn't happen. I use to be a baseball fan, until they went on strike. They lost me and I haven't been able to make the come back. I got off track there, lets see if I can get back on topic. So back in my boxing's heyday, I watched Mike Tyson fight, and that was some exciting nights. If you blinked, you might miss the whole thing. I can't tell you how many fight parties I hosted that ended early because Mike knocked the guy out as he stepped into the ring. The replay time was longer than the actual fight. Of course, in those days, I drank my sorrow away, so I rarely remembered the fight the next day anyway. That was 20 years and 2 livers ago, now, if I'm not home by midnight, I turn into a pumpkin. Sad. So at the fights the other night, I came as close to being in a fight as I have for a lot of years. Was I running off at the mouth? No. Was I disrespecting someones momma? No. Then what was my offense, you might ask. Luck of the draw seating assignment. Let me be clear, the chances of me actually throwing a punch were slim to none. I wrote in a post a few days ago, running to me is only acceptable if there is food at the end, or if the chaser has ill-intentions. The latter case would have applied here and I would have flipped the table in front of me and ran like a little girl, and yes, cried. To be even further clear, the actual potential fight was between a man in his 50's and a drunk 20 something year old kid. You see, these MMA fights bring out the testosterone in people, and that includes women. These two people were rooting for opposing combatants, and none to friendly about it. Let me show you how the cheering escalated. This is a sampling of the yelling, mainly directed in the direction of the ring, but most suredly pointed at the dude on either side of me. Let me also mention that dude 1 was sitting with dudette 1, so they teamed up for most of this.
dudette 1- "Get him Nate." (seems innocent enough)
dude 2- "Kicks his ass Tony" (whoa, we are escalating a bit, but still civil for a guy who has had 13 beers)
dude 1-"Kick his F'ing ass Nate." (you'll noticed I have withheld from typing the full F word, just in case I have any young readers. Well, if I do, they might want to stop reading now)
Now the action in the ring has started, and Nate has taken Tony to the ground. If you don't follow MMA, you may be nervous about this sport with a comment like that, but it's ok, this is normal. So at this time, Nate is on top of Tony, which I know, sounds bad, but again, it's ok.
dudette 1- "Cut him the F open!" (OK, this is getting rough)
Now dude 1 and dudette 1 are yelling right in my ear, standing a foot or two behind me. Dude 2 is yelling in Chad's ear, a foot or two behind him. The words are flying, but mainly thrown at the ring. Now Tony is having trouble getting Nate off of him, so dude 2 is getting pissed.
dude 2- "All he can do is wrestle, get the P-word off of him." (OK, I'm not typing that word or I'll get all of the porn searchers coming to my blog and that's not what I want to read in the comments section of this blog, "Where are all of the P's?")
In MMA, wrestling is part of the game. Sometimes it is the boring part, but if you are an MMA fan and not a drunk want to be, then you understand that. As I write this, I see that the seriousness of the situation is not coming through. This is a HEATED exchange, and now the comments have started to be pointed at dudes and dudette and not the fighters in the ring. Can you say uncomfortable? Now dude 2, who is in his 20's, asks dude 1 if he wants to get "knocked the F out?" That would be an easy answer for me, it would be no, but I have a feeling that a smartass response would be ill advised at this juncture. Dude 1 doesn't appear to want to get knocked the F out, so he mumbles something and moves a little farther away. During all of this, Nate "Teddy Bear" Williams has commenced to submit Tony "friend wants to knock you the F out" Crowder, and the match is over. Dude 1 finally walks away and the testosterone level drops by alot. It's amazing what a combat sport and a half a keg of beer will do to a persons ability to be an ass. Chad said he witnessed a fight in the stands at the last show he attended and the first show I ever went to, I witnessed the closest thing to a near riot as I ever had. I guy got hurt in the ring and when fans starting yelling that he was a faker, the dudes mom took offense and was threatening to kick all their asses. Well the crowd, fueled by the ever present beer, egged her on until she went after a group and all of her family decided to join in. We finally got tired of waiting for the ambulance to pick the faker up, so we left and passed 10 more cops on their way in. There were very few blows thrown, but you could smell the stupidity in the air.
One thing that we noticed last night, which we have noticed in the past, is that women like to wear their slutty best when they attend the machismo fest. There are a lot of guys with puffed out chests, big biceps and liquid nerves, walking around. These aren't the guys in the ring, but mainly guys who want you to THINK they are fighters, which they are not. Just because you go to the Y and shoot hoops, doesn't mean you go to a gym and "train." Chad and I had the discussion, just because you have muscle, doesn't mean you can fight. If you don't have cardio, you better hope you get in a quick shot or the guy you are fighting that does have cardio, will kick your ass and choke you out, period. Back to the girls. There are more breasts showing than any Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue ever thought of including. Not a big deal, since I'm not 12, I've seen them before, but I'm amazed the amount of breasts that you can see. And the skirts. Good Lord, how can you even sit down without giving Hugh Hefner a cut of the show. The funny thing is, this is March in Iowa. It wasn't freezing last night, but on bare legs and breasts, seems to me that it would be a bit chilly. We heard a girl exclaim to her equally slutty dressed friend as they stepped into the cold Iowa night, "I hate Iowa." Well if I was naked outside at midnight, in March, I'd hate Iowa as well. But lets be realistic, you should be more angry at yourself for squeezing on your Barbie clothes and heading out into public. Obviously the short skirt and push up bra didn't work, since you are leaving the fights without a guy, but with your friend, who is limping because her hooker boots are hurting her feet after 4 hours of standing, since I'm guessing she couldn't sit down with that, well, lets call it a skirt, but that is being generous. I know I sound like and old man, but I guess when you get to a point in your life when that kind of display seems ridiculous, I just have a low tolerance for complaining. If you don't like Iowa, move. I'll help you pack. I'm guessing all of your clothes will fit in a shoe box.
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