For God's sake!

How old am I? Forty something, right? So why in God's name have I not figured out how to shave like a man and not a 16 year old boy with his first Bic? Does Bic still make a razor? I've written about my shaving mishaps before, but I'm sad to say that I still haven't figured it out. I will say that I no longer do the old shaving cream and razor thing and I long gave up on an electric razor when I started shaving my head. An electric razor just doesn't seem to work on my melon, I've tried it. I tried waxing my head as well and to say it failed would be an understatement. My current method is soap and a razor while showering. Seeing as how I have zero hairlines that I need to shave up to, it's basically a free for all, except for ears, nose, lips and the whole eye area. Seems like it should go pretty smoothly, but I'm sure you can tell that if I'm writing this, it doesn't go well. I am very consistent in my slicing of my lip and more commonly, my neck. Of all places to cut, why is it my neck? And of course, when you cut your neck, it bleeds like crazy and then is clearly visible for the rest of the day, and usually the week. I've tried to come up with a good story about how I received the cut, like from a broken bottle during a bar fight. Or perhaps from one of those lions I got to hold in Africa, or better yet, from that cubs angry father. Nope, I cut myself shaving, again. Is there some sort of class I can take so I can stop the madness? Perhaps at the local community college or an adult ed class given at the local high school, "Things your dad should have taught you 25 years ago." There are a few things that could be tossed in there along with the shaving. Like how to make your grass green with no fertilizer or water, unless it rains. I don't think we ever did either of those things to our lawn as a kid and all was fine. Now, if I don't do something, I have a dried out hay field, without the option of bayling it to make a few extra bucks. On top of the slices I make, where I'm cutting too much, I leave enough stubble to make it appear that I didn't actually shave, just took my razor and shaved off my skin. It's really coming to a point when I just want to go Grizzly Adams and let everything go wild. That would be the scariest thing you have ever seen, since my facial hair grows like that same 16 year old I mentioned at the start of this post and most of the hair on my head has long tired of the world and has decided to stay buried in my scalp. I guess I will just have to keep trying, or perhaps come up with better excuses. I'm not sure people would believe me if I said Marcy did it, she doesn't have a mean bone in her body, but I might just have to give it a try.