No pictures on this one.

A long time ago, I mentioned that, not only was this blog here to make fun of people, but to make fun of myself. If I point out stupid shit people do, I need to fess up to stupid shit I do, which I have. If you have read this blog for awhile, you might remember my story of not putting the washing machine hose back where it belonged, so I pumped a full load of water onto my floor, nice. Now it's time to tell one that might be a bit more risqué, it involves an activity in the bathroom. Now, I have either piqued your interest, or grossed you out, but for some unexplained reason, your still reading. Let me say that there won't be a major gross out, it's not that kind of activity, just an error on my part that could have proved disastrous, but thankfully was only scary and a bit embarrassing.

First, for the women out there that might not know the full details about this. In men's underwear, there is that little door, for the lack of a better description, in the front, that I assume you are supposed to use when you go pee. I never do because there is way to much bobbing and weaving to get yourself in full pee position and I've always felt it was easier to go over the top, if you will, than exhausting myself with the twists and turns of the door. In fact, years ago I had a friend who was a single mother, who had a little boy, who had spent a whole weekend teaching her little guy how to use the door, I'm sure to the child's horror. I informed her that guys don't use that door, in fact, I'm not sure why the Fruit of the Loom people are sticking with the door. It seems that they could save fabric if they would just give up on it. I know, your saying, "I use the door," if you are a guy, or "I know someone who uses the door," if you are a girl. Let me let you in on a secret, there is something wrong with that guy, just so you know. I've tried the door, I gave it a shot, but I ended up with way more pee on me than I preferred, so I gave up on it. Plus, if you have to go bad, it takes way to long to work the maze, and by then, pee'd on yourself. So the other day, I take Mason to a doctors appointment because Marcy is still at her vacation home, Methodist Hospital. After the appointment, we go to the vending machine and I buy him a snack since I picked him up right after school and Mason can't go more that 3 hours without a snack, but that is a whole different blog entry. We get the snack and Mason tells me that he needs to go to the bathroom, so I decide to go in with him since I don't trust public bathrooms with all of the psycho's out there. As soon as I entered, my bladder recognized the smell and I had to go now. I saddle up to the urinal and decide to put the bag of chips for Mason, in my mouth, seeing as how I didn't want to set them down anywhere in there. I figured, dad saliva is better than stranger pee, or worse. As I said, I'm an over the top kind of guy, but there are hazards to this method, and here is one. If at any time, you loose your grip on the waistband of your underwear, that you have pulled down to accomplish the over the top method, you run the risk of peeing all over yourself. Welcome to my Monday. I'll also mention, that once a guy gets going, it's very difficult to stop, but if you have just come to realization that you are about to pee ALL OVER yourself, the clamp comes down. Thankfully, I was able to shut her down before I had to wet my whole pants in the sink, so it was all the same color because I was wearing KHAKIS, dangit. What caused the slip of grip, why a saliva coated bag of chips, slipping from my mouth grip that I then launched across the bathroom when I tried to re-capture it, thus causing the slip of the grip. Lesson learned in all of this, either buy your snack AFTER you pee, or just hold it in until you are in a safe nurturing environment.